We need to talk about our relationship to coping skills. You know, the actions that you’re *supposed* to take when you’re having big distressing feelings… but might not. The secret is that coping skills are not hard. In fact, that’s by design! It wouldn’t make sense to suggest doing something very complicated or difficult in a moment of high distress. So then, why in the world are they so hard? Why do you not want to do them? And, why are they just not working???
1. You’re Reluctant to Use Skills Because It Feels Invalidating
The truth is that sometimes, even though we want to feel better, and we know that we could feel better, we just don’t do it. The truth is that sometimes, when someone suggests a (likely very helpful) coping skill, that makes us even MORE upset! Feeling invalidated by the suggestion of coping is one of the first barriers here. When we experience the phenomenon of invalidation, we often want to dig in even further to our distress, so that the invalidating person (or event, or rule, etc) can ACTUALLY SEE THAT THIS IS REALLY HARD!! If using a coping skill is a way to reduce our distress in the moment, and you perceive that your distress is not being recognized as valid or important, you probably will feel very reluctant to cope effectively. It can feel like coping is actively invalidating yourself, or agreeing with the invalidation that you are feeling from others. Maybe it feels like saying to yourself and to the world: “You’re right, I over reacted and shouldn’t feel that way”. Not coping effectively, in this case, becomes a way to reinforce the message to yourself and the world that what you are dealing with is important and real, and it deserves some attending to!
If you want to increase your willingness to use coping in these situations, you need to start by challenging the idea that coping invalidates your distress. Coping helps us get through the distress so that we can be regulated enough to communicate effectively about what triggered the emotion in the first place, or to come up with a plan to solve a solvable problem. Just because you cope with a feeling effectively does not mean that you shouldn’t have felt it in the first place!
2. You Want the Feelings to Go Away
Sometimes the trouble with coping is in misunderstanding what is supposed to happen to the feelings you are coping with. Coping skills are about COPING THROUGH, not ERASING. They are about acknowledging that there is something big happening and I can’t quite stop it, so I need to hang on until it passes.
The goal of a coping strategy or skill is to get through the difficult moment without making things worse. Without acting impulsively toward ourselves or others. Without doing things that will likely make you feel worse once the moment has passed. If you’re engaging in coping with the expectation that you will come out on the other side at a baseline of “happy”, then you’ll probably feel like it isn’t working. If you engage in coping with the hope of coming out on the other side more regulated, attentive to the moment, and able to access logical thought, you’re on the right track!
3. You’re Using Coping Skills Instead of Problem Solving
Then there is problem solving, the flip side of coping. One important question to consider when reflecting on your coping skills and styles is, “Did I consider that I might be able to change what is making this hard?” A common pattern for people with lots of anxiety is that they worry, and feel physically anxious or distressed about something, but avoid taking action that could help.
Maybe you are coping with relationship conflict, but you haven’t communicated a concern with your partner. Maybe you are coping with having too much work assigned, but you haven’t addressed perfectionism adding time to your tasks. Now, just because you *can* problem-solve doesn’t mean you will. Maybe it's not a good time to address the problem. You might not have the mental, financial, or relationship resources to support you during your efforts to problem solve. That’s understandable, and important to acknowledge. But relying on coping without attending to the parts of the triggers that could be changed is going to eventually stop being very effective.
Addressing these barriers to coping can make regulating your emotions much more accessible! Here are your take home reminders to help with this:
- Coping with distress DOES NOT MEAN you shouldn’t have the distress in the first place. Validate yourself! And ask for validation from others if you need. But remember that turning away from coping as a way to communicate your distress and validation will only result in more dysregulation over time, as well as less validation.
- Coping skills are great for riding out a tough moment. They are not going to take away feelings. You will benefit from practicing them often, so that you can have access to them when the really big feelings hit!
- If you can solve parts of the problems that create distress in your life, you have better long term ability to cope with your life. Not every problem can be solved, and that’s okay. The goal is to create a life that you don’t need to “cope” with. Rather, create one that has opportunities for purposeful positive emotions, engaging and value driven challenges, and relationships that feel fulfilling and supportive. This happens day by day as you attend honestly to the choices that you make, and work to bring those choices in line with the person you want to be.
